“True prevention is not waiting for bad things to happen, it’s preventing things from happening in the first place.”
Years ago, I was at a club with my younger brother. He wasn't into the party scene, so he was attuned to everything happening around us. He noticed the lack of personal space men gave women and the unwelcome advances, which disturbed him greatly. At the time, I tried to downplay it and reassure him.
Reflecting on that now, I'm deeply disturbed that I brushed off an experience that should never be considered normal.
To put it in perspective, I had put in time and effort to look my best, only to be objectified by men who displayed undeserved confidence and complete disregard for my feelings.
Today, my brother has a daughter of his own. I am determined to ensure my niece understands she deserves respect and protection. Knowing that her boundaries should always be honored, I want her to feel empowered and secure in her femininity.
So, when is the right time to learn about consent? I believe it starts in childhood.
At the Playground
I once babysat a boy and a girl as they played on the swings. The boy started pushing the girl. She went along with it but wasn't having fun after a while. She asked the boy to stop, but he kept going. It was so innocent, but I intervened and taught them a valuable lesson.
I gently asked the boy to pause and look at the girl's face to see if she was enjoying the experience. And, he noted that she was not. While he felt a bit disappointed because he was having fun, he also understood that stopping was the right thing to do. There was no shame involved either; there was simply a willingness to look at one another to see what kind of experience the other person was having.
This lesson is fundamental in our evolving society as we work towards a more equitable world. The goal is to create a balanced and fair society where everyone's needs and aspirations are valued equally.
According to payscale.com, in 2020, the gender pay gap was estimated to be around 19%, with women earning approximately 81 cents for every dollar earned by men. This issue is even more complex when we consider the intersectionality of gender with other factors like race, highlighting the presence of deep-seated social biases.
Understandably, society tends to prioritize the well-being of men, as their job security and income often have a greater impact on family units. Men carry significant responsibilities, and society has historically adapted to accommodate them.
However, it's important to recognize that men, knowingly or unknowingly, have wielded their power and influence to their advantage. As discussed in a previous blog post about addressing the smaller issues, women sometimes sacrifice their comfort to accommodate men's needs.
This isn't about criticizing men; it's about creating a space for women and men to express their needs and desires. It all begins with seemingly small moments, like the one on the swings, and gradually extends into adulthood. The consequences of not addressing these issues can become more severe, leading to uncomfortable situations for women, such as unwelcome advances at nightclubs or worse.
While it may seem daunting at times, there are numerous actions you can take within your own home to empower your children and break the cycle of inequality.
What's the Solution?
Mutual Respect. Kids are hyper-aware of their needs and what feels appropriate and what doesn't. Sometimes, a kid's needs are unreasonable, and adults are there to teach kids to navigate genuine needs vs. impulses. Use discernment and stretch outside your comfort zone to respect kid's needs as much as possible. It starts with being intentional and aware of your actions. Your interactions with a kid will create a roadmap for how they are treated in childhood and adulthood.
The importance of "no:"
ACKNOWLEDGING NEEDS - If I ask my niece for a hug, and she doesn't want to hug me, I accept her "no." Love is an expression of connectedness, and why should she hug me if she's not feeling connected to me? Kids need personal space, too, just like adults.
ACTIVE LISTENING - A "no" can have different volumes, from yelling to silent & uncomfortable body language. It's essential to respect a "no" in all its forms.
BOUNDARIES - Sometimes, power and influence can be used to turn a "no" into a "yes," which can be harmful. For example, it can be detrimental for a well-meaning grownup to bribe a kid to take a picture in exchange for a snack. That can open the door for malicious and unwanted behavior from a stranger or teach the kid that other people's immediate needs matter more than their own.
Kids are great at saying no. I realize it is difficult to reason with a kid whos well past their nap time, as they throw their "no's" around like confetti. The key here is learning to differentiate between what's genuinely good for them and what doesn't affect their quality of life. A nap is essential for health and well-being; a picture may or may not be important.
Practical Advice + Final Thoughts
As shown in the playground example, I invite you to notice when your kids are playing with each other. If your kid isn't comfortable speaking up, it's an excellent opportunity to teach the silent kid to speak up or to walk away and show them how to read the people they are interacting with. Body language often reveals the truth of an experience more than words do.
Here are some practical tips:
If both kids are genuinely enjoying the experience, all is well. Hooray!
If kid A isn't enjoying the experience:
Ask Kid B to look at Kid A's face and ask him/herself, "Is Kid A enjoying this experience?" This simple question can open a profound conversation about needs and boundaries.
If one kid isn't enjoying the experience, it doesn't mean playtime is over. It's a creative opportunity to see what kind of brainstorming you can do to create mutually beneficial experiences for both kids.
Learning about mutually beneficial experiences is how we teach consent in the playground and create more peace and harmony in the greater world for adults and kids alike.
Amor y Canela,
Monica
