“Joy comes when we are in alignment with our values and goals and when we feel our lives are abundant. ”
Joyful Beginnings
In some ways, we had a more solid emotional foundation as kids than as adults because of our self-awareness. Now, this isn't to say that kids have it all figured out. Kids need support with emotional regulation. But, something disrupts our childhood self-awareness as we grow up.
Many of us began life with pretty clear ideas of who we'd like to become and how we fit into the world around us. We had direct access to our joy as we knew the kinds of activities that lit us up and the people we felt safe with. What happens? Well-meaning adults tell us what we're supposed to like or not like.
Our parents were so busy with life and responsibilities that they didn't have the time or energy to support our individualism. They told us to emulate behaviors that worked for them to simplify things.
A Joyless Family Tree
The coping behaviors that "worked" for my parents and grandparents led to many challenges. And eventually, it became harder for my family to access joy.
My parents used coping tools such as emotional repression and environmental control to self-regulate, as this is what they learned from their parents. Because my parents weren't taught emotional regulation tools, they placed responsibility for emotional regulation on those around them (kids included). It seemed that the more my siblings and I emoted, the more dysregulated my parents became. However, I must say that my parents did the best they could to take care of the family.
By the time I came into the picture, my familial trauma had transformed from physical survival into emotional survival. Because I wasn't struggling to physically survive like my parents were, I had more time and energy to feel and almost no healthy tools to access and process my emotions.
The Return of Joy
Parents think they do a great job hiding their trauma from their kids, but body language is often more honest than words. Emotional repression turned my parents into ticking time bombs. And my parents worked so hard to control the world around them so they wouldn't explode.
Not having to struggle for food or shelter helped me see the world completely differently from how my parent saw the world. I was handed the universal assignment of working on emotional survival, which meant that I needed to learn emotional regulation tools to empower my self-expression and joy.
If I wanted to feel pure joy, I had to work on my shadow self or the unexpressed parts of me. My goal was to learn to emote and pivot to healthier forms of self-expression. But my parents weren't able to hold space for me to learn to self-regulate.
I was blocked from accessing my pain, sadness, stress, frustration, and anger.
If we stop ourselves from experiencing any specific emotion, we block ourselves from fully experiencing them all. We might have sprinkles of joy here and there, but they’ll be watered down as we carry a heavier emotional load.
And now that we’ve learned how to emote and have conversations, our connection is much richer, and even disagreements bring us closer together. Accessing joy finally became a possibility because emotional regulation and authentic self-expression became accessible as we opened ourselves up to outside support.
Digging for Joy
We cannot feel joy and anger at the same time. It's one or the other, and repressed emotions are so potent that they block our ability to feel fully present in ourselves. So many of us end up detached from our paths toward self-actualization and blissful living.
This isn't to say that we can never feel joy if we've experienced any form of trauma. It means that we must work a little harder to find joy in any circumstance life throws us.
You might wonder, "Well, how do I find joy in death?"
My grandmother passed away a few days before my birthday. My aunt gave me the most beautiful flower bouquet, celebrating my birthday and showering me with love when her mother had just passed away. How incredible was it for my aunt to pause for a moment to choose love and joy while she was experiencing profound grief?
Now when I recount my grandmother's death, burial, and my birthday, it doesn't hurt as much because of the kindness my aunt showed me.
What we give, we receive. My aunt planted the seeds of love, and I remain connected to her to this very day. All it took was one tiny moment of loving acknowledgment for years of deep connection to unfold. Love is easier than we think. Even a moment of deep sorrow can have love and connectedness buried within.
This is just one example of how we can find joy in challenging times if we are open to seeing it in unexpected ways.
How to Find Joy
The business of reclaiming your joy is quite tricky. It really depends on what's blocking you from doing the healing work necessary to find the emotional freedom needed to transcend the challenges you’re experiencing.
Below are a couple of ideas that can help free yourself from whatever is blocking you from living fully present and grounded. When you look over this list, pick and choose what works for you.
Practice emotional regulation.
Hold space and breathe through your emotions.
Validate your feelings and experiences. This doesn't mean to judge whether you're right or wrong. Acknowledge how you feel by saying, "I felt triggered when my ____ asked me something because I felt like he/she was accusing me. It made me feel very angry, and I still don't fully understand why."
Pause.
If you're processing deep or intense emotions, you don't have to process them all at once. You can put down your emotional load and do something fun or relaxing. When people hike Mount Everest, they don't climb the entire mountain in one trek. They rest at various base camps along the way. Remember to pace yourself so that you don't burn out.
Get support.
Whatever you push away will come back. Get support if needed, especially if you're processing intense emotions.
Let it go.
Frustration is a beautiful emotion because it's a sign that you've processed your emotions and you're ready to let go.
When you feel frustrated, set your intention - "I am ready to let go of this emotion. I am ready to receive and experience love and joy. God/Universe, please show me how to receive joyful experiences."
Get present.
Joy lives in the present moment when you are the fullest expression of yourself. We tend to wait for something traumatic to connect us to the present. It's important to remember that fun things can also bring us into the present moment. Transformation is possible in times of trauma or in times of joy.
Tools: Meditate, exercise, cook, dance, sing. These things might seem pointless, but they serve to connect you to the present moment.
Look for the beauty in the moment. What joyful things stand out?
Use multiple senses to ground yourself - touch, taste, sight, sound, and smell. The more senses you use, the more present you’ll become.
Tend to your relationships.
Expand your capacity to love by checking in with those around you. Connection builds resiliency in challenging times.
You can also ask those around you for support. Asking for help can deepen our connections with one another, and it could also allow another person to use their brilliant skills to support you as you move through life's challenges.
Final Thoughts
We covered a lot of ground here. And finding joy doesn't have to be so complicated. It could be as easy as finding a connection in whatever you're doing or experiencing. Joy is about being the fullest expression of yourself in the present moment.
So many things block us from accessing joy, and a lot of that has to do with trauma or emotional dysregulation because we cannot feel joy and pain at the same time. However, even in the deepest of pain, you can momentarily put your grief down to access joy.
You are not betraying your grief by pausing to experience fun. Joy creates the rest and resilience you'll need to continue to process deep emotional pain. The more we heal and process, the more we can access joy. And the more joy we experience, the more we’re able to receive healing. It's a positive and nurturing cycle, as joy is the gift that keeps giving.
And, you are worthy of receiving all the gifts joy has to offer.
Amor y Canela,
Monica
