“Anger, which can be destructive, also has a vital energy that motivates us to action, helps improve communication in both personal and professional relationships, and promotes optimism, among other benefits.” Amen Clinic
Anger 101
We live in a world that frowns upon anger. It's an emotion historically used as a vehicle of violence and destruction. So we are taught to be ashamed of our anger and become increasingly disconnected from our anger. And what is repressed persists and grows.
The big question is - how do we convert anger into something positive and useful?
How Anger Empowered My Life
I recently alluded to overcoming a long, ongoing challenge that rocked my confidence. Through the experience, I learned that anger is a powerful catalyst for change.
Over the last year, I stepped up and showed up like never before. At the same time, a person consistently criticized everything I did. And the experience left my confidence depleted.
When the person was no longer around, I got to catch my breath and process everything I'd been through. The funny thing is that I'd hit many milestones and accomplished great things, but this person's opinions rang so loudly.
For a bit, I was aimlessly looking for validation. No matter how many people told me how great of a job I did, I didn't feel any better about myself. I got caught up in a pity party. And anger was the emotion that finally pulled me out of it.
Once I felt my anger, I used the good old fake it until you make it strategy to pull myself out. I realized how much I'd learned and grown, how I served and kept things running. And that was the moment when I began to recognize my value.
How do you fake it until you make it?
I've heard people float the idea of fake it until you make it around so many times, and I resisted it. I consider myself an authentic person; I'm not too fond of the idea of faking things. But then I learned how to use the advice practically.
It’s much easier to act like a worthy person during "easy" times of the day. How does a person of worth brush their teeth, wake up, cook breakfast, etc.? Pick simple tasks to help you practice being worthy.
Circling back to my experience, I began to feel anger once I connected with my sense of worth. I was angry with the way I was treated. Angry at how I believed I deserved it. And angry at how lost I felt after it was over.
Without anger, I would still be stuck in a low vibe, believing that I deserved the way I was treated,
The Lesson in Anger
Anger often tells you about your boundaries or values and how they were not upheld. The purpose of anger is to feel it and to receive its message.
My anger told me I believed in a lie that said I wasn't enough (for a specific person). I kept performing and doing more and more, hoping those accomplishments would make me feel better about myself. Hoping the person would finally think I did enough. But there was no satisfying this person. And I put my self-worth in this person's perception.
Once I worked through my distorted thinking, I used anger to empower my journey. And it wasn't a perfect ride. Sometimes, I spoke too softly, and other times, I spoke too sharply. That's part of the process - learning to find the sweet spot that isn't too soft or sharp.
Finding Your Value
It's easy to look around at your job, the planet, or household and feel like everything is a mess. You can try your hardest to organize the chaos only to find that everything is still far from perfect. In these moments, it's important to zoom out and realize how your contributions have improved things.
Here's the big takeaway: others won't value you if you don't value yourself. So you've got to set goals that are a stretch but are still attainable. Change your goal from perfection to improvement (i.e., making a difference - no matter how big or small). Don't wait for others to set goals for you.
Setting Goals
Goals are most effective when they are clear and measurable. Therefore, I like to use SMART Goals (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound). Think about the specific areas you'd like to improve and set goals to improve them.
You don’t want to overcommit yourself to too many goals, but you’ll want to stretch.
For example:
I will organize the bathroom drawers by Saturday at 2 pm.
I will call 5 leads by Thursday at 10 am.
I will create 4 social media posts by Wednesday at 4 pm.
I will read 1 article a day on a topic I don’t understand (by 8 pm).
Make sure that the timeline is reasonable. If you need it, give yourself an extra day or two to set yourself up for success.
Keep note of the deadlines and follow up to see if you can accomplish your goals. If you were successful, celebrate your win(s). If not, review the timeline, reset your goals, and start again.
Final Thoughts
I want to wrap this up by saying it’s your job to find and feel your own value and the impact of your contributions. So get clear on your boundaries and set goals to support your values, and your life will improve. If you live your life constantly trying to reach the goals of others, you may never find the validation you seek.
The key is setting and meeting your OWN goals- at work or home.
And remember that anger is an agent of change. So if you’re feeling angry, it’s likely time for a change. Use your goals to take your self-worth to the next level!
Amor y canela,
Monica
