I am human, with feelings and emotions and scars and flaws, just like anyone else. - Josh Gordon
To hate or not to hate:
Did you know it takes as little as 10 minutes to process an emotion fully? The first time I heard this, I thought it was freaking impossible. How could that be if I’d been carrying the same emotions for years?!
And then, I had a life-changing experience that proved it true.
One Christmas, I was decorating the tree when I received negative criticism from a family member. I became so angry at that moment that I felt straight-up hate for this person. I’m all for constructive criticism, but criticism to make me feel small is not okay.
And, instead of beating myself about feeling hatred for this person, I allowed that hatred to be. I even let it grow stronger. And after about 7 minutes, the emotion was gone, and I could feel love again for my family.
Yup, that happened! So, let’s go a little deeper:
One of my boundaries was disrespected by this family member. I allowed myself to feel how I felt because hate was the right emotion, given what had happened. I let the feeling grow until it was gone.
And this is the case for a vast majority of our emotions. Most of our emotions want to be heard and understood.
And emotions like anger are usually so difficult to change because we tend to feel guilty about having them in the first place. Society tells us that anger is dangerous and it leads to violence. But that isn’t true. Unexpressed anger is dangerous. And there are safe ways to process and express anger.
When “feeling your feelings” isn’t enough:
But what about the emotions that nothing's changed no matter how many times you’ve cried over the problem or how many times you’ve felt the anger?
This generally means that our emotions need action…change.
It’s usually a good idea to start by feeling your feelings. But, when something requires change, you must realize that “feeling your feelings” will only temporarily disarm your emotions. This is great because you need space and perspective to see things differently and be free of unpleasant emotions.
I recommend that you turn to your TRUSTED support circles. I’ve mentioned that these people could be friends, family members, accountability buddies, spiritual leaders, therapists, counselors, advisors, god, nature, etc. Because you cannot solve a problem with the same thing(s) that created it. You need to untangle your thoughts, and you need a fresh perspective.
The bad news is that if you cannot see things differently, you will likely be pulled back into the same emotional drama. This isn’t a punishment. This is an opportunity to repeat the lesson and grow from it.
Steps:
Feel your feelings
Cry
Journal
Seek support
Meditate
Feel into the emotions and let them be
NOTE: Try not to numb or distract yourself if possible, as numbing and distracting inadvertently work to keep your emotions “glued” to you
Reflect
Did the feeling go away? (You’re done.)
Is it still there? (Dig deeper)
Take action
Meditate and ask yourself what this emotion wants you to do
NOTE: You can only change yourself, so hurting someone else emotionally or physically will most likely not solve your problem
Get clear
Seek support
Take action
What do you need to do to resolve this?
Who do you need to talk to?
Who do you need to forgive?
Phew, that was a lot! Are you able to see things differently? If not, that’s ok. Repeat the steps as often as you need.
And maybe your intuition is guiding you to do something not covered here. That’s OK, too! As always, my lists are not comprehensive. But these ideas can give you a great place to start.
Final thoughts:
It can be so overwhelming when you’re processing emotions. Most of us process in mostly isolation, and that can be harmful. So, I’ve written this to give you some direction.
I’ve had my fair share of people who give terrible advice like, “It will get better!” These people are well-meaning, but sometimes perspective and/or action are/is needed before things get better.
Also, most people don’t want to admit their life is imperfect. Social media sites tend to highlight reels of various life events. So, we don’t get to see the ugly parts of life. But I want you to know that I’ve been there. I’ve been a hot mess more times than I can count. And I was made better by my less-than-perfect experiences.
Lastly, I want you to know that you are not a bad person for FEELING anger, hatred, sadness, jealousy, etc. All humans feel these emotions at one point or another. But how we process our emotions makes all the difference in the world.
Amor y Canela
Monica
