“You will never know the power of yourself until someone hurts you badly.”
I haven't written recently because I've been grappling with a deep sense of hurt, and it's tough to put words down when I'm right in the thick of it.
Across the world, in our nation, and even within my own family, It feels like we're drifting further apart on so many levels, making it increasingly challenging to navigate a world that seems to be losing its spirit of cooperation.
I've been doing my best to handle these challenges. Some days are smoother, and I keep my composure; others, I'm a bundle of emotions. I'm not perfect, but I'm proud of my continuous efforts to grow and improve.
Exploring Hurt (and Anger):
I grew up in a household where anger was unacceptable. This lack of acceptance created a lot of problems because we weren't able to heal our anger. Instead, we became trapped in a toxic cesspool of repressed anger. There was a subconscious fear that accepting a loved one's anger would allow them to wreak havoc at home.
But after working with coaches and therapists, I realized that anger is surprisingly normal. It's a healthy response when boundaries have been broken. The mere fact that we feel anger does not cause problems. It's what we do with the anger that may or may not be okay.
The cardinal rules of anger processing are:
Do not hurt yourself.
Do not hurt others.
Do not break anything.
I recently experienced a hurtful situation. And it did not go well for me. There was a communication breakdown in my life, and I shared my experience with those involved. My vulnerability was dismissed. And that dismissal of my emotional state caused my hurt feelings to increase dramatically. My "unvalidated hurt" was more painful than the situation itself.
Communicating Hurt:
People assume that others should automatically regulate their emotional states as easily as flipping on a switch. Emotional regulation might be easier with some things, but when triggered, it’s not as easy. And, to complicate matters, we are all triggered by different things.
Sara might be afraid of spiders, and Pedro is afraid of dogs. Pedro thinks it's ridiculous to fear spiders because he doesn't have that fear. So, he judges Sara for her fear instead of acknowledging that Sara is afraid of spiders. And this dismissal creates many unvalidated fears or hurts in the world.
A favorable communication scenario would play out like this:
Sarah: When you brought the tarantula into my house, it scared me. I was hurt because you didn't consider my fear of spiders.
Pedro: Oh, wow. Sorry, I must have forgotten that you were afraid of spiders. I'll make sure not to bring it around anymore because I value our friendship and want you to feel safe.
But this is how it usually goes:
Sarah: When you brought the tarantula into my house, it scared me. I was hurt because I thought you weren't considering my fear of spiders.
Pedro: Why do you always have to make it about you?! You have no idea what I'm going through! It's not my fault that you're a hot mess!!!
In this case, Pedro is going through something, but he hasn't communicated it to Sarah and is placing responsibility on her for something she has no idea is happening. Perhaps their friendship isn't as close as it used to be. This could be an incredible opportunity for Pedro to request that Sarah check in on him more often.
How to validate:
When I express my hurt or anger, I want support because it is sometimes hard to do it alone. I do not want to be judged as to whether my emotional response is right or wrong; just validated that I was experiencing something personal. "I can see you're upset because of ______ (situation/behavior)." Validation is that simple. However, people are afraid to validate because they think that validation and agreement are the same things when they can be very different.
Simply put, the people we conflict with are the least likely to validate our emotional states. They believe acknowledging our hurt reduces their hurt instead of viewing both parties as hurt.
So, you will most likely be left with the task of validating yourself. Self-validation is about normalizing or humanizing our intense emotional reactions. Example: "I'm hurt because of ____." And this needs to be said with genuine acceptance and approval.
But then doubt creeps in, “Do I have the right to ask for my needs? Am I taking up too much space?”
The good news is that you have every right to ask for what you need.
Final Thoughts:
We live in a world of hurt and angry people. And it gets harder to support one another when we are dealing with the same types of emotional challenges and triggers. But it’s possible to heal if at least one person waives the white flag and requests peace and mutual understanding.
Anger often stems from misunderstandings or weak boundaries. However, moments of anger are often wonderful invitations to have conversations and gain clarity.
It’s important to note that you cannot change another person. You can only share how you feel. They must decide if they want to continue a behavior that will likely emotionally hurt you. And it is up to you to decide if you will remain in such proximity to someone who refuses to consider your pain.
This is where I'm currently at in my healing journey. I took measures to communicate my hurt to another person, and this person would not accept that I was going through something. I do not know where this relationship will go; maybe it's broken beyond repair, or it can still be salvaged. However, I know that I am trying very hard to empathize with a person who doesn't empathize with me.
While I've learned much through this uncomfortable situation, I have more work to do on this healing journey. As challenging as it is, I have to start choosing myself because it's up to me to set the standard of how others will treat me.
I will continue to carve out space to heal -because my unresolved hurt (and anger) pulls me further away from my purpose and away from the world. I'll start by being compassionate and understanding with myself and fill up my cup so high that it overflows and serves those around me. That's the best I can do, and it's probably more than enough.
Amor y Canela,
Monica
