“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
Polarization in Society:
Our world is becoming increasingly diverse, and biases tend to grow louder and louder as that happens. If you look at countries with homogenous races, you'll see more "harmony" because there is what appears to be more consensus around "like-minded" people. We assume that just because people look the same, they think the same. That is not true.
What’s the solution? Diversity (& Collaboration)!
Diversity of people creates a diversity of thought. And the diversity of thought is good for business because it brings innovative and out-of-the-box thinking. But we haven't learned to work together because we've been too busy looking at our differences to realize how similar we truly are.
Religions, languages, and foods have different packaging, but their objectives are the same.
Religion attempts to create meaning and order in a random world.
Languages help to communicate thoughts and feelings to those around us.
And food gives us fuel to keep marching on.
But, we choose to fight because tacos and hamburgers look different, and one is better than the other- when they are still doing the same thing, filling our stomachs.
Tale as Old as Time:
The problems connected to biases and polarization appear to be getting worse. But the truth is, we are facing these problems. Sometimes, this process leads to conflict, particularly where repressed emotions are concerned.
In the grand narrative of history, victors often claim the spotlight, but today, something remarkable is happening. Our present moment is increasingly amplifying the voices of those who were once silenced, and it's a powerful transformation. While acknowledging past wrongs can be uncomfortable, it's a vital step toward healing and progress.
Our society may grapple with the notion of "cancel culture," where public figures face consequences for their mistakes. However, it's essential to remember that we are all part of this shared moment, navigating a complex system together. None of us are untouched by biases, and this truth holds for leaders worldwide and ordinary people. Embracing our imperfections can catalyze positive change and build a more inclusive future.
Do I have biases?
I was listening to the Armchair Expert podcast, and Dax Shepard was making the point that he is an open-minded white male, and at the same time, Dax acknowledges that he has many unconscious biases. That made me wonder if, as a Mexican-American woman, “am I exempt from having biases?”
What you might be able to tell from my writings is that there is very little in life that is black and white. There are so many shades of grey, and most of us find ourselves in the grey.
I started to wonder what I could do to uncover my hidden biases. So, I asked myself- what makes me uncomfortable?
The immediate response I got was men with facial and leg hair wearing feminine clothing, specifically one human called Conchita Wurst. Conchita is an Austrian singer and drag queen who became famous following her 2014 Eurovision win. Shortly after, she started making red-carpet appearances at the Golden Globes and high-end fashion shows.
I was deeply embarrassed by this realization because I consider myself to be an open-minded and inclusive woman. But something about seeing a bearded man in a gown made me feel uncomfortable.
But, instead of projecting my discomfort onto Conchita, I decided to look inward and discover what this meant about me and my experience as a human being. I humanized my thoughts and gained wisdom along the way.
Biases & Social Norms:
I've been upholding a social norm about femininity for as long as I can remember. Women can bare their legs only if they’ve shaved.
It's been a blistering hot day out a couple of times, and I'm wearing pants. Why? Because social norms say that a woman isn't supposed to be hairy, and sometimes life gets busy, and I don’t have time to get to it. So I sucked it up because I didn’t do the thing I needed to do to bare my legs. And it became frustrating when others didn’t follow this invisible rule/
How did I get this idea?
For thousands of years, men have been told that they are perfect. And women are not. Think about it: Societally, men are permitted to have hairy legs, and women are not. The basic anatomy of a human being is that BOTH genders have hair on their legs. Why are women made to shave and men are not? Why are men perfect the way they are, and women must change?
In college, I was invited to participate in a car wash. It was a blistering hot day, but I hadn't shaved. I had a choice: I could wear jeans to cover up my leg hair, OR wear shorts and expose my leg hair. I chose to wear jeans. It was awkward to wear jeans at a carwash where the girls wore their bathing suits and shorts. But at least I didn't have to deal with the shame of rocking hairy legs.
Hidden social bias:
Men are perfect as they are, and women must constantly search for perfection.
Healing my bias:
Cut to the moment I laid eyes on Conchita, and I was incredibly triggered because I was following the rules, and she wasn't. She was free, and I was not. All this to say that I do not like walking around with exposed hairy legs. I was triggered because she could choose, and I did not.
There is a saying that our first thought is not our fault, but our second is our responsibility. And using this framework helped me go deep and understand why I was triggered in the first place.
I called one of my dearest friends. He is a member of the LGBTQI community and a Ph.D. student studying the intersection between academia and the LGBTQI community.
I learned from my conversation with my friend that I was doing much right in this case. I was using my experience as it related to me. I think that a lot of times, we weaponize our discomfort against one another. "If she triggered me, then she is the problem." This kind of projection leads to incredibly mistaken thoughts and beliefs.
Conchita triggered me, but only because she reminded me of something that happened to me. If I had outright said that I did not like to see Conchita in a beard and dress, I might have been chewed out by society. But it wasn't Conchita in a dress that caused my discomfort; my relationship with femininity and the social constructs built around femininity caused my discomfort. Becoming vulnerable about my feelings helped me understand my feelings in a greater context. I could see Conchita as a teacher because she helped widen my perspective on a previously hidden personal bias.
How to heal your biases:
I've outlined steps to uncovering and healing your personal biases. If we all did this, the world would be filled with love, collaboration, and abundance.
ASK YOURSELF: What makes you uncomfortable?
FOLLOW-UP: Why does it make you uncomfortable?
DIG DEEP: See if the feeling relates to anything in your past.
FIND SAFETY: Seek safe spaces to share your feelings and experiences vulnerably.
FORGIVE YOURSELF & MAKE AMENDS: if needed.
REFLECT: Watch yourself grow in understanding and wisdom.
Final Thoughts:
I now see cis and trans people (or people in general who aren't following outdated social norms) as leaders who are carving out uncharted paths governed by freedom of expression and love. They transcend social norms, they offer us true freedom, and we've treated them poorly in return. It's almost like, as a collective, we don't want true happiness; we want the pursuit (or illusion) of happiness. And, we've hurt or neglected those who are happy & free being themselves.
I'd love to end this by saying, "Let's make love great again!" But I'm unsure if we were ever that loving as a human race. However, we don't have to continue to make the same choices we've made. We can grow, evolve, and widen our perspectives. It will take all hands on deck to solve some of the biggest crises of the 21st century.
But, if we work together, nothing is impossible. We've got this!
Amor y Canela,
Monica
