“Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”
Death By A Thousand Cuts:
The header sounds frightening, doesn’t it? I promise you it’ll be worth the journey.
I can’t count the times I’ve heard people tell me, “It’s not a big deal,” or, “pick and choose your battles.”
How many of you have received this advice before? Don’t get me wrong, it’s good advice. I agree that we need to prioritize our battles. There is plenty of pain in our lives and the lives of those around us, and it can be overwhelming to focus on everything at once.
But, we let too many things slide because we don’t think we have a right to share how we feel or don’t want to upset people. We may let so many microaggressions slip through the crack that the problem multiplies and transforms dramatically.
For example, if you withdraw $100 from your savings account daily for a week, you’ll be down $700…not fun, but manageable. Then, a month later, it’s $ 3,000..now it’s starting to sting a bit. Keep doing this, and you will reach a point where it becomes overwhelmingly painful.
Suddenly, you cannot control your emotions and become known as “the reactive crazy person.” That safety net you created for yourself is gone, and you are raw with emotion. But there is a solution here! And it’s preventative.
Sweat the Small Things:
My challenge is to start sweating small things because picking up a 1-pound rock is much easier than lifting a 100-pound boulder. So, why do problems become overwhelmingly huge before we speak up?
Preventative measures work so much better than reactionary measures.
This is not to say we should blame everyone for everything. Sometimes, people unintentionally say things that trigger our pain. There’s a point where we can ask someone else for support while we do the internal work and another where we need to do internal work on our own. We must remember that everyone has free will. In the end, we cannot change anyone but ourselves.
For example, if you have a phobia of green, you can open up to a friend wearing a green shirt and let them know your story and how that color affects you. It’s up to them to decide if they will wear a different color, but we must not depend on their actions to regulate our behavior.
If you let it slide and your friend unknowingly continues wearing green without having an open and honest conversation about your feelings, resentment can grow. You might end up exploding on that person for breaking your favorite cup- compounding the resentment with every passing grievance… all because you didn’t think it was a big deal to have that initial conversation about the green shirt.
The point is to speak up more often when struggling with things. Remember that minor grievances accumulate; the more resentment you carry, the harder it is to reach common ground and healing. It’s easier to work on things when they are small.
Are you ready for some steps? Good, ‘cause here we go!
How to Sweat the Small Things:
ASK yourself- what’s most important to you when relating to others. If you don’t have clarity, make a list of what you don’t like and then find the opposite. Look up the synonym if you need to. For example, you realize you’re upset because you don’t like feeling excluded. The opposite of exclusion is inclusion. So, you can change the statement to “I like feeling included.” Keep going till you have a list of about 3-5 items. This will help you create your value list- aka the relationship needs you to value the most.
PRIORITIZE your list. Everything on this list will be important, but some things will be more important than others. For example, you like talking to a group of people over a delicious meal, but you love cuddling with your partner.
NOTICE when you feel triggered. Write down how it made you feel. Reflect on what you would’ve liked to feel instead and how you prefer to be treated.
OPEN UP to the person/people that triggered you. Note that the feeling lives in you and not in the other person. You must feel and process your emotions, and NOT the other person. It is your job to manage your responses. These experiences often result from misunderstandings, and open and honest communication will help tremendously.
Final Thoughts:
As I mentioned in the post about vulnerability, it’s important to bounce ideas off other people because if we keep thoughts to ourselves, they become distorted and increasingly confusing. This is oftentimes the birthplace of misunderstandings.
The good news is that you now have a great tool: Vulnerability! Vulnerability in the right context can lead to greater understanding and connection. And, it’s easier to be vulnerable about small things (versus complex issues that are deep and very layered).
At the end of the day, you should sweat the small things because the small things will matter most when life is said and done.
Amor y Canela,
Monica
