“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
Spencer Johnson
Success and Failure
We live in a highly curated world that makes sharing our joys and successes okay, not our setbacks or failures. There's an unwritten societal rule that states that we must always produce. Failure, sadness, and fear can cause us to take breaks from our productivity. So, these emotions are frowned upon.
The thing is, both success and failure are 2 sides of the same coin. And we cannot reach success if we don't know how to fail with grace and humility. It's important to share our feelings, messiness, and challenges in safe spaces if we want to succeed at things. Not to dwell on them but to learn and grow from those experiences. To gain perspective.
Creating a Dysfunctional Relationship
In the past, someone in my life often attributed their difficulties, including bad days and relationship challenges, to external factors. Out of trust and a desire to help, I initially took on the responsibility of addressing these issues. However, it became evident that this individual was not interested in making personal changes.
Here is the dysfunctional connection occurs:
Person 1 needs external validation & approval
+ Person 2 needs someone else to take responsibility (but refuses to change)
= a toxic relationship
I got to a frustrated place where a trusted professional said, "You've done your best to help this person." And it was time to surrender and let them take responsibility for their behavior. Things didn’t change overnight. But my life has propelled me forward in many ways since then because I was so focused on the other person that I was not taking responsibility for my own life. With this shift in perspective, my behavior began to change. Possibilities started slowly trickling into my life because I can only truly affect my life and behavior.
Breaking the cycle takes incredible awareness, self-forgiveness, and self-compassion. So naturally, this is not a one-and-done type of deal. Like most things in life, it takes practice and repetition.
Breaking Cyclical Patterns
In an interesting turn of events, my relationship with the person improved - with increased distance, emotional space, and perspective. But another person entered my life with a similar personality.
Relating to people is a tricky business. Our values and the way we prioritize those values are all different. And that’s OK. We aren’t meant to be the right person for everyone.
Anger is a big emotion. But, if you reflect on how much anger and discomfort exists in your life, it’s likely less than you think. It just feels bigger than it is. So take some time to reflect on what you’re feeling, why you feel what you feel, and what you can do about it.
Journal prompt: Ask yourself how many people you hate or dislike. Who makes you angry? Make a list. If you want to take the exercise further, ask yourself, “Why?”
You’ll likely find that the number of people you hate is much lower than you think. When you explore why you hate those people, you have a real opportunity to learn about your values and your boundaries. And getting clear on these things will help you attract high-quality people into your life.
At the end of the day, it’s your responsibility to give yourself what you need. If a person makes you angry because they were rude, it teaches you that you thrive when people give you respect. From there, find the people who respect and light you up. And stop hoping for people to change. Change is hard for most. And so, it takes a degree of discomfort for people to make changes happen. Truth pill: People change when it’s right for them, not when it’s right for you.
Action step: Focus on finding those people who uphold the values you prioritize. I promise they are out there. Finding them may take time when you aren’t used to that type of energy. But hold fast, and you will find what you seek.
Knowing it's okay to disappoint people is a lesson I'm grateful for. These people will never give me the validation I seek. But they hold it over my head so I can take responsibility for things they don’t want to face. The truth is, I cannot “fix” anyone’s life but my own. Often, this means accepting what is, being grateful for what is going well, and getting clear on where I want to go next. This awareness creates the opening to disrupt dysfunctional patterns and break away from them.
It's very easy to want the other person to receive punishment for the pain they've caused. But these people need healing more than they need to suffer. When I look back at the people who have hurt me, I wish them blessing, peace, and healing. The more they heal, the less they emotionally hurt others, and the safer the world becomes.
Compassion and kindness can give others the space to self-reflect and make changes that they choose. At the same time, boundaries are also key. It is not ok for people to emotionally or physically cause pain and suffering.
Some people are meant to work closely with you, and others you “love at a distance.” No matter what, we are each responsible for healing our own pain. Seeking support is perfectly okay. But no one outside you can process or face your emotions because they live inside you.
Let us continue to do the internal work so that we no longer need validation from anyone but ourselves. Here's to safe spaces, vulnerability, and healing for all!
Amor y canela,
Monica
